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Jokes on light bulbs

How many TOS away team members does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but one of the security men with a red shirt is killed.

How many TNG bridge crew members does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, because the others have to talk about the moral and ethical effects of this task.

How many DS9 crew members does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Odo IS the light bulb.

How many Voyager crew members does it take to change a light bulb?
It doesn't matter how many, but a shuttle is destroyed at any rate.

How many Klingons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Since Klingons are not afraid of the darkness.

What does the Klingon do with a faulty light bulb?
He executes it because it has failed.

How many Romulans does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one, who changes the light bulb, and another, who kills the first one and rests on his laurels.

How many Ferengi does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One who changes the light bulb and another who sells the tickets for this event.

How many Cardassians did you need to screw in a light bulb?
None! What about the Bajorans?

How many Cardassian prisoners does it take  to screw in a light bulb?
Four. Since THERE ... ARE ... FOUR ... LIGHTS!

How many Dominion citizens does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. A founder who commissions a Vorta who orders a Jem'Hadar to change the light bulb.

How many Vulcans does it take need to screw in a light bulb?
Exactly 1.00000000000...

How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb?
None! Because lighting is irrelevant ...

How many Voyager crew members does it take to screw in a light bulb? (PG-13 ;-)
Two, Seven and Chakotay. But they'll have to be really, really small.

From: Corona / STORM / WORM Newsletter, Funtrek and TrekBBS



How many officers it will take to change a light bulb: The VOY edition

Janeway: As many as it takes, Mr. Paris!

Chakotay: Ahkoocheemoyah! I pray on this day of uncertainty to speak to my father. Father, I must know how many of us it will take to change this light bulb!

Tuvok: Logic would dictate that it takes only a single individual to change a light bulb. However, in order to achieve peak efficiency, I believe that a mind meld with the faulty bulb will provide some answers.

Paris: Why change the light bulb when we have our emergency beacons?

Torres: How many Star Fleet officers does it take! Oh, what...the Maquis suddenly aren't smart enough to change a damn light bulb!

Doctor: I'm a doctor, not an electrician!

Kim: I've never seen anything like it!

Tuvok: Mr. Kim, that is a comment we would prefer not to hear from a senior officer on the bridge. It makes the junior officers nervous.

Kim: Oh, and what have I been for the past seven years!

Janeway: Tuvok, Kim...shut up. Seven, what's your analysis? Can we change this light bulb?

Seven of Nine: Light bulbs are irrelevant.

Kes: Captain, the light bulb! I can sense its thoughts! It's dying, and I can't save it!

Neelix: Captain, I can tell you that crew morale is going to suffer if we don't get this light bulb changed!

Janeway: Yes, I know that, Mr. Neelix! But how do we change it, and how many of us will it take?

Kim: Hey, wait a minute! I know the answer!

Janeway and Torres: Warp particles!

Kim: No! Look see... it unscrews, and all I have to do is replicate another one and screw it back in.

Seven of Nine: Screwing is irrelevant.

Kim (changes light bulb): Wow! That was weird!

Janeway: Mr. Kim, we're Star Fleet officers! Weird is part of the job!

From: TrekBBS VOY forum, Jun 23rd, 2001


Space - the final (yellow) frontier




From: The Simpsons.




From: Futurama


Click on image for full sized wallpaper (1024x768)!

Created by: Ain't No Such Thing As Too Much Amy Wong
Visit the creator's website for more beautiful stuff around Futurama


Resistance is ...

I am James Brown of Borg. Ow! I've been assimilated.

I am Kelly Bundy of Borg: You will be assim...assim...What is that word? You know, the futile one.

We are the Beatles of Borg: We all live in a great big giant cube, a great big giant cube, a great big giant cube.

I am Caesar of Borg. I came, I saw, I assimilated.

I am Homer of Borg. Resistance is .... Ooooh, DO-NUTS.

I am Troy McClure of Borg. You may remember me from such films as Assimilation Day, and Honey, I Assimilated The Kids.

From: Corona / STORM / WORM Newsletter.



"Trekkers are people who believe William Shatner is a TV character played by Captain Kirk!"

The typical anti-Trekker club


"Trekkers are like little children before Christmas. They always try to look at their gifts already before it's time ..."

Ronald D. Moore (in view of the Star Trek IX hysteria in the beginning of 1998)


"The only thing that I really hated was the theme song...I suspect that the guy who composed that is going to be the new holder of the "Most Hated Man In Star Trek" title...if he calls, I'll hand over the badge to him...I know I have it someplace. The best thing about Enterprise? Two words: Detox. Gel."

Wil Wheaton (TNG: "Wesley") about the new Star Trek series


infograph.jpg (89975 Byte)

The Onion (satire magazine) about the new Star Trek series


Miscellaneous jokes

How does you call an android playing an acoustic guitar?

The result of crossing a Kryptonian with a Ferengi is ...
Quark Kent.

How do you bend the arm of a hologram?
With a prism.

What does the counselor tell the holographic crewman?
You project!

How does Data scan the entire sector?
At least with 300 dpi.

When is B'Elanna's meal ready?
When it doesn't knock against the pane of the microwave any longer.

What does Counselor Troi say to the male security officer?
Is this a phaser in your pants or are you only happy to see me?

What kind of spreadsheet do the Borg use?
Locutus 1-2-3.

Spock sees Captain Kirk just leaving the ladies room. He asks him where he comes from, and Kirk answers: "Where no man has gone before..."

"Do you know our security chief, Mr. Tuvok?" - "I think I had the pleasure." - "Pleasure? Then it wasn't Tuvok."

What is the name of the movie Star Trek XXX: The Destruction of the Enterprise-Z?
Star Trek XXXI: The Search for a New Alphabet

What does it mean when red lights light up on all decks of the Enterprise?
a) Somebody activated the computer's standby mode.
b) Data made a joke.
c) Q transformed the Enterprise into a brothel.
d) Data remembered Tasha.
e) The computer is just analyzing the current Playboy issue.

What did the blonde Klingon say?
Today is a good day to dye!

How many ears does Picard have?
Three. A right ear. A left ear. And a final front ear.

From: Corona / STORM / WORM Newsletter.


Strange Encounters

Gay Trek

The most popular TNG character (?)

(unchanged!) from:  [TNG] Tapestry
and the actors database of


Star Trek Top 10 lists

10 reasons why Picard is a better captain than Kirk

10. Real captains don't need a toupee.
9. Picard's bridge doesn't sound like an old video game.
8. Picard would never allow a scantily clad woman to steal his first officer's brain.
7. Picard was never up to the neck in little, cooing pets.
6. Picard was never a woman.
5. Picard's style of leadership would survive despite a disarming of the crew.
4. The execution of the Picard maneuver causes a commendation from Star Fleet Command, the execution of the Kirk Maneuver causes a charge of sexual harassment.
3. Picard has Troi (of course Uhura is also not bad ...)
2. Picard's vessel was never taken over by hippies.
1. Kirk is hard, but Picard is harder! After a Nausicaan ran through his heart, he likes it that much that he travelled back in time and let him do it again.

From: Corona / STORM / WORM Newsletter.


The top 10 secrets about the TNG crew

10. Picard secretly reprogrammed all replicators that they only serve Earl Grey irrespective of the kind of tea you demanded.
9. During the ladies' night in Ten Forward Beverly shows that she's "the dancing doctor" ...
8. It is Picard's secret hobby to spotlight unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead.
7. Dr. Pulaski didn't move, but was sealed in a seldom used Jefferies tube by Data
after she insulted him one too many times.
6. If he is not on duty, Geordi wears a T-Shirt labeled "Wanna see my dilithium crystals?".
5. If he is not on duty, Picard wears a T-Shirt labeled "Star Fleet Captains do it at warp speed".
4. The real Picard maneuver shows Picard to Beverly when he sends for her to come to his quarters.
3. Barclay is really the Captain; Picard is just an ensign, and all of his
"command" has been a holodeck simulation.
2. Picard is Wesley's father. 
1. Due to a time travel accident, Wesley is Picard's father!


10 reasons why your room mate is a Borg

10. He wears black leather!
9. The $50,000 phone calls with the collective.
8. He spends 3 weeks in Florida and still looks white.
7. Your home entertainment center disappears and two days later he is wearing it!
6. TV reception gets poor when he walks by.
5. If you deassimilate him, he is suddenly female and wears high heels and a incredibly tight suite.
4. You have burns in your face from his eye laser pointer.
3. An electronics store chain used them as a mascot.
2. He assimilates all your food.
1. In his opinion everything is irrelevant!


The top 10 worries of Captain Picard

10. Lt. Cmd. Worf could kill the crew member who hid a Tribble in Worf's bed as a practical joke.
9. The torque sensors couldn't be synchronized.
8. Wesley might come to visit.
7. Lwaxana might come to visit.
6. An unforeseen event could prevent them from getting the pizzas to Starbase 141 within thirty minutes.
5. Riker will keep turning down promotion after promotion and he'll never
be rid of the big dork!
4. The Psi 2000 virus could break out again and make him behave like a dope.
3. Der Psi 2000 virus could break out again, but Doctor Crusher doesn't undo her uniform.
2. Vash might come back and show him up by using his first name.
1. The replicator fails and only serves Darjeeling!


The top 10 pranks at Q-niversity

10. Melting professors
9. Rewriting history during lecture, confusing the professor to no end.
8. Changing the gravitational constant of the universe during football games.
7. To threaten the most hated professor with the end of all life in universe.
6. To spray in giant letters on the wall: "Fu-Q".
5. Creating partial vacuums in people's underwear.
4. Disassembling universes and rebuilding them in the hall of residence in a rainy afternoon.
3. "Inside-Out Day" - not your clothes, your body!
2. To hide a crib in a interdimensional fissure during exam.
1. Getting the answers to the final exam before the questions have been laid down!


Star Trek smileys

]:-<   Mr. Spock
(:-<   Captain Jean-Luc Picard
(:-I   Captain Jean-Luc Picard
@;->   Commander William T. Riker (without beard)
@;-%   Commander William T. Riker (with full beard)
[:-]   Data
+:-o   Dr. Beverly Crusher
:-)B   Deanna Troi
]-)    Geordi La Forge (with VISOR)
8-)    Geordie La Forge (with eyes)
}:-<   Mr. Worf
Q      Q
:-)::  Jadzia Dax
@%:-I  Captain Kathryn Janeway
(:-%   Captain Benjamin Sisko
{!r]   Borg
8>:-|  Andorian
*      Tribble
#      Tribble (assimilated by the Borg)

=A=    Star Fleet insignia
=/\=   Star Fleet insignia
\V/    Vulcan greeting
\\//   Vulcan greeting
LLP    Live Long and Prosper
LLaP   Live Long and Prosper
WNMHGB Where no man has gone before
WNOHGB Where no one has gone before



The Jeri Ryan chat - it's irrelevant ...

Jeri, how has your life changed since you became part of Star Trek?
I'm doing a lot more interviews... And aliens contact me at night!

Jeri, what did your husband think of this one episode where you had to kiss Garrett Wang?
My husband was really jealous. He thinks Garrett has great lips. Just kidding! No, he's actually very cool about the whole "love scene thing". Much more cool than I would be.

Jeri, Which cast member flubs his lines the most?
It's Robert Beltran. When there are lengthy scenes between Robert and myself the entire crew begins to cancel any social engagements for the next week.

Jeri, will Seven's phaser aim ever improve?
Who have I missed?

Jeri, Are you in real life as hot as in the show?

Just how does Jeri Ryan eat a peanut butter cup?
I assimilate it.

Jeri, I assimilate it.
Anyone taller than I am.

excerpt from: Star Trek Continuum 3 hours chat with Jeri Ryan on 3/19/1998


The lost TNG script

"The Enterprise Stops at Taco Bell"

Troi: I sense... indigestion.

Picard: Don't order the fajitas, Number One, they'll go through you at

warp nine.

Wesley, guest starring: Look, mister, the sign says you get a free "Little

Orphan Annie" cup with any taco salad purchase, and I'm not leaving here till

I get one!

Worf: Klingons do NOT eat burritos!

Geordi: I bet if I allowed anti-matter to collide with these chimichangas

we could boost warp power by 27 percent!

Dr. Crusher, pointing tricorder at a taco: Inconclusive meat readings,


Picard: You're on, Number One. Whoever can squirt the most jalapeno sauce

up his nose gets treated to dessert.

Riker: What do you mean you don't serve tokelau here? What kind of Mexican

restaurant is this?

Data, re-joining Geordi after bugging Picard with a boring monologue on

the history of the enchilada: I do not believe it is physically possible

for me to place an enchilada in the area suggested by the Captain.

Picard: When we get back on the ship and you have the conn, Number One,

you'd better not queef on my chair!

From: rec.arts.startrek.misc newsgroup, 12/23/1992


Set stories

Marina Sirtis and the neurotic captain

Marina Sirtis still remembers well a quite amusing experience at the beginning of Star Trek -  The Next Generation. She behaved according to the teleplay and said: "Captain, he conceals something." And Patrick Stewart turned to her and replied: "We know that, you stupid cow! You waste of space! Why can't you tell us something important?!"
Then he ran off and hid behind Brent Spiner.

From: Captain's Log.


Sudden realization

Michael Dorn: ... when we had finished this scene, we had a look in our eyes that should say: "Twenty years in the RSC (Royal Shakespeare Company) and now I'm talking to a oil puddle".

From: Captain's Log.


The Anatomy lesson

Okay, Seven of Nine's skintight silver jumpsuit was a medical necessity. Jeri Ryan will buy that. "Then it turned brown for reasons that were never explained, though it was still assumed that it was skin-regenerative because I wore it every day," the actress tells. So what's with the new blue number? "I don't know what the excuse is now," the Star Trek: Voyager star shrugs. "I guess Seven just decided that the tight body suit and heels are enormously efficient." [...] Still, she says, Voyager has its consolations. "Everybody on the show is a flirt," she laughs. Well, almost everybody. Costar Garrett Wang nearly died of embarrassment after he accidentally, uh, invaded Ryan's personal space. "The crew was going nuts," the actress remembers. "They thought it was the funniest thing they had ever seen, but Garrett just freaked out: 'I thought it was your elbow! I thought it was your elbow!' " To kid her castmate, Ryan showed up on set the next day festooned with Post-it notes labeling certain body parts "elbow" and "not an elbow."

From: John Walsh, TV Guide


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